Posted by: Mark | February 16, 2009

Thanks a lot, Puberty

Pretty much every winter I become blinded by envy. Why is this? Because I can’t grow a full beard. All around me I watch males of various ages as they frolic in furry-faced glory to celebrate the cold temperatures. Unfortunately for me, I’m relegated to the sidelines in this no-holds-barred hair fest. I have plenty of friends who grow beards throughout the winter. I mean come on, even my little brother can grow a pretty thick (and blond I might add, therefore giving him substantial originality points) beard. But not me. For me the winter is fill with shameful failed-attempt after another in growing one, hoping that maybe this time around THIS will be the real one. It never is, but I’m always so full of hope.

I’m 26. I kind of figure that if I’m not growing a full beard by now, I never will. That means that I’ll probably never be as jolly as this old dude…

I would not do well in the play-offs in any professional sport….

I could never go and be a spaced-out weirdo on David Letterman..

And the list of things I am missing goes on and on and on. My friend can grow a great beard (apparently, I’ve never seen it in full bloom), and his wife has said on several occasions that his beard is so full during the winter that guys on the street will regularly stop him just to comment on his beard. And every time I hear that story, a little part of me dies inside.

photo-9Basically, being eternally beardless forces me to miss out on many of life’s pleasures. And yet, several times a year I am able to convince myself that the pathetic scraps that I can put together on my chin, upper lip, and very sparsely scattered on my cheeks actually look good, and I go for a few weeks with the worst beard, ever. I’m there right now, with the photo on the left demonstrating what I’ve been cultivating for almost three weeks now. I’ll probably last through most of my week long ski week away from school, since I don’t have to go to school and pretend to be a professional. But I know that this will end the way it always does: me scratching my chin in the mirror and finally accepting the truth for what it is, and then lathering up with cream and then shaving away. It’ll be just a matter of days at this point.

So for those of you bearded friends out there, please enjoy them for us hairless guys. However, I do think that there is one perk to being beardless. Granted, it is one sole perk in the face of hundreds of disappointments, but I still think it’s worth mentioning that no beard = thankfully enough, no back hair.



  1. Great post. As an often bearded man, I can say that although I have a pretty shaggy full beard, I feel your pain. I love my beard and have had an on and off relationship with it for years now.

    My only advice is to be patient with it and let it take its time. The gaps can and do fill, and even if they don’t- a mature beard of 3-4 months has its charms. See Bob Marley…whispy at best.

    Great post. Good luck.

  2. Looks like we’re in the exact same boat. Wait a couple more years for the gaps to fill. My beard now at 28 is double what it was at 26 (see your image above) but still not full. It’s a blessing not to have to shave or *shudder* get a 5 o’clock shadow. It’s nice to have to really only shave every 2 or 3 days. And of course, no back hair! (or arm hair)

  3. Hmmm. Personally, I think you’re really missing out on shaving a heart into your back hair. I’d totally do it if I could, but, alas, my Asian blood foils me once again.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: